I find myself yet again at the beginning of the end of the end of the beginning.
Proclivity uninvited.
I am the Monkey man, unbidden in my quest, but bidden by myself.
No Tweeter in sight: no self-effacing self to whitewash my self-depracating image.
Just another proverbial pickle for my persnickety person to ponder over. Perhaps what I fear most at present is the fact that I am dreadfully unsure of my calibre, in all things and in all questions. Why am I so apprehensive of my potential, or moreover of what that potential represents?
I am forever told by friends and foes alike that I have talent, should I choose to use it anywhere outside myself and my selfserving world. I am told that I even posess a degree of tenacity when I choose to acknowledge it, but this so-called gift remains the one thing I cannot find or see or crave for that matter. My Tweeter is doomed to lurk in shadows. I am a little too content in Monkey man cocoons, it seems. Moreover, I am not sure if this self depracation draws from some perverse, deep-rooted fear or a misplaced, innate calling for humility. What really is humility?
Is it pretending one is not talented or gifted, so that we appear likeable?
Is it the chitter chirping for "one more banana" all the f***** time? Or is it ignoring those gifts and talents till you believe the pretence? Because for some reason, it is easier to absolve ones self of responsibility for wasting ones' potential, when you convince your being there is no longer a 'self' left to lose.
The rolling winds will blow,
blow it all and row
But the Monkey man who knows
Will never Ever know
Why am I so ever-ready to comply and compromise my vision, simply to glean approval from all corners, even when the approval does not particularly hold much importance for me? Having just said so, i realise it isnt humility it is plain, reprehensible F-E-A-R.
Of what, I dont think I shall ever know.
And the walls came down all the way to hell
Never saw them when they're standing
Never saw them when they fell (Dylan)
just few words: be patient, don't be so afraid from something that hasn't come yet. Surely, you have a potential but it doesn't mean anything if you don't have passion for whatever you do. Passion (and a bit of bravey, of course) always leads us to make extraordinary things.Bye.
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