'Hi God, forever no see.''
Yeah I've been busy.'
'I guess, you could have called.''
Hmmm. You know you're gaining weight, How many times have i told you Coke is bad for you. I didnt give you a body just so you could abuse it.
''I forgot i already have a boyfriend, i think i need to go. Although i'll call before D day, put in a good word for myself''
Hmm it was something i said.
Having just stormed out on Him I realize mid stride that I may just have walked out on the only entity capable of making me lose 30 pounds, get an entire off-the-rack Minolo line AND get into Grad school with one tiny ‘Bibbity Bobbity Boo’. Crap!
“Aah you’re still here! I think I over reacted”
Well it’s not like I didn’t know you were going to come back. Plus it a no on the list, I don’t mess with ‘free will’…as you guys have finally figured out.
“But you could?”
Where’s the fun in that?
“Sigh~”
DON’T pout, and stop slouching!
Hmm frowns don’t really work for you either, I never gave you the eyebrows to pull it off, they kind of split off at a tangent. So stop that too.
“Is this what you do on all your dates?”
Well I’m seldom bored enough to consent to this, but with all the dish I’ve been throwing at you guys lately, I decided to lay low for a bit.
“So I’m the laying low?”
Don’t take it personally, kiddo.
“Hmm, God…I kind of have a question.”
Oh great, another interview, see THIS is why I don’t date! Fine!!
“Will I like burn at the stake or something for writing about this?”
Oh I don’t do the whole ‘stake burning’ thing anymore, it’s more fine seasoning and cooked on a medium flame. It’s all about the gentle flame this season. I know… OPRAH’s my freebie show.
“Oh! So will I be baked on a gentle flame? Cause that would be really unfair, I mean…considering that this is my First alter-ego speaking and that one is really tight with the conscience and both of them kinda’ get signals from a muse, so ‘technically’ you’re at all 6 ends of this conversation, if you bring in the shadow and Tink and ‘all that Jazz’”
For the record kiddo ‘All that Jazz’ is out. And nope I won’t bake you yet, I know the fine print, I wrote it. So go ahead. I know you have others; you all just wait for this jive don’t you? ‘If I just get ‘one’ chance to talk to God I’ll ask Him’….blah blah blah.
“Yeah well, Ok, umm how lonely is it at the Top?”
Don’t push it kid.
This date isn’t really going to work for me anyway and it would go better for you if you stuck with the small stuff.
“Why won’t it work? I mean besides the whole ‘you created me’ thing?”
Well personally I like blondes. Nicole Kidman was a nice piece of work and I DO say so myself. One of my better pieces.
“So you ARE officially male! Why don’t I look like her?”
That’s too easy.
“Ok, keep it small. Hmm. Why are men jerks?”
That’s too big, narrow it down.
“Ok why do most men tell you they like smart women, ones’ who think and then run after the big-boobed bimbos?”
Firstly DON’T generalize, I expected better of you. And to answer your question it’s not so much that the women with the big boobs are dumb, it’s just … the larger their boobs the less intelligent the men become. So don’t take it personally.
“Hmm… Ok why is it ‘so’ bloody important to be pretty, when ‘technically’ we cant really do much with what you gave us, and seriously you didn’t really believe in an ‘equal’ distribution of assets.”
Ok… unfortunately I was actually trying to see how the whole ‘inner beauty” thing will play out, and even I have pretty much resigned myself to being bored on that account. If I made an army of look-alikes the whole point of the exercise would be lost.
“Aha! And what is the point of the exercise”
Hmph, well among MANY othes, so don’t try to ‘spin’ this any other way… I needed something to do~ I am the ‘CREATOR’, so I created!
“So we really are puppets?”
No sweetheart! Puppets aren’t predictable.
‘Hmph!”
Don’t. Pout.
“Oh fine! Ok why religion, you know I had to ask this one, with my set of troubles?”
Yeah well I really did mean for that one to be simple, but well what can you do.
‘Simple how?”
Oh come on! They all say the same thing! It was so obvious... you guys were supposed to listen to the ‘sameness’. But you just seem so taken with conflict and I didn’t want to have to think up new crap for this all the time. Religion kinda’ evolved for every occasion.
“Isn’t that mean?”
Well I see why you think so, but seriously those of you who wanted to find me always managed and the others just became more interesting.
“Oooh Oooh, is Satan real?”
Yeah.
“That’s it”
Yes. He’s real, He isn’t really a peach and he’s kinda’ been getting on my nerves for a while now. Better?
“How much is ‘a while’?
Pretty much …’ a while’ after I made him.
"So… ‘long’ then?"
Long.
“So should I be scared of him, like all the time and throw rocks and stuff?”
You’re on a date with me, I’d say you’re doing pretty good so far.
“Thanks, But you know they say that when we talk to you we’re praying and when you talk to us ‘we’re schizophrenic”
‘You’ answer me this, who do you think ‘they’ are?
"The…’them’ everyone ‘but’ us."
And right now I’m here and you’re here, so why do ‘they’ matter?
"Hmm…you’re good at this".
I did write the Ten Commandments. I know they were kinda’ cryptic and shit, but seriously those dumb asses gave me one hell of a run.
“For the record, why’d you tell old Mo’ to take his shoes off?”
Huh?
“Well I mean the guy finally got the chance to talk to you, and you know, have it be all ‘legit’ and shit, go down in the books and all…and the first thing you say is “ Take your shoes off”?!
Well they were dirty.
“Come on!”
Ok fine, I didn’t want him to get all cocky, cause I agreed to the meet. So I was just getting him in the right frame of mind.
“As in, scared as hell?”
No! As in… respectful.
‘Oh! I’m losing major points on that one aren’t I?’
Not really, times have changed, I pretty much need to talk rap for kids in these days. Plus, you’re schizophrenic.
“Oh, does that get me off the hook?”
No.
‘Hmm. Ok, do you really love us?”
You’re asking?
“Well yeah, now don’t get mad, ‘cause I’ve heard you have one hell of a temper and…oops”
No worries my temper is pretty much how Hell came about.
“Sheesh! But anyway, I mean, sometimes the crap just gets too bad”
Yeah. And that’s pretty much when you bother to talk.
‘Hmmm I guess. But isn’t that depressing, having to put us through ….
Damn! I can’t come up with anything else!
Say it …HELL…
“…Ok! Having to put us through hell, just so we talk to you”
Yeah well, I guess that answers your question.
“Oh.”
“Yeah it does”
Happy?
“I guess.”
You guess?!
“No, I Am happy, it was just a big question.”
“You know what God, you’re pretty cool.”
No shit!
“I think this could work.”
Well good, cause I’m off. You guys still run on a clock.
“You know this was a pretty good date. Sure you didn’t buy me a Coke, but still not too shabby. You’re pretty hot in a cool sort of way”
Mmhmm.
You need to lose weight.
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