Either Learn or Leave
Yep…back with the pseudo-smart ass Latin verbal kinetics, it appears we have pissed off the Fates, because yesterday had us opening our morning sandwiched between an eight car wreck, surprisingly intact, as our poor little Bonnet Baby lost hers. Sadly disappointing though, there was no white spot-light, Voice of God scenario that one has come to expect in these situations – courtesy of 'All Dogs Go to Heaven' and Simpson's re-runs. Our split-second black out only recounts our iPod straining “Don’t Stand so Close to Me” by Sting. Unless THAT just so happened to be God speaking, which we think would be rather trite of Him/Her/It to do at a time of such collosal significance in our oh-so short little life. Although come to think of it, it would be much more pleasing to meet a pseudo-liberalist version of the Lord rather than have Gabriel solemnly stand on our steering wheel repeating “Memento Mori” in not-so-sonorous tones.
The past three weeks have been what can only be described as a Loony Toon’s Marathon in bliss-less real time, talking specifically of the Daffy and Elmer Fudd episodes that suddenly fade out with the Tazmanian Devil eating up the TV screen to laud in “That’s all Folks”. Our cousin got married, which in Pakistan tends to mean that everyone save the two subjects getting married lose all semblance of reality for an extended period of time, the subjects ususally undergo this transition at a later stage in post-proceedings. Considering that our presence has little to do with reality, this wasn’t as much a problem for us personally, until we were informed oh-so kindly by mommy dearest that ‘cousin’s weddings’ were the new inroad tap into what is politely termed as the “Marriage Market”, which is alarmingly similar to the “Meat Market”, with the fated exceptions being a lack of opulent display and older, staler ‘Meat’.
An added element in my dilemma was the presence of our other cousin ... all hail the magnanimous entrence of Hurricane Sabrina, who will henceforth be mentioned by name because of a remarkably overwhelming presence that overrides our propensity to need to refer to people in fourths and fifths after our own persons. We managed to meet our Hollywood Actress, New Yorker cousin after almost 15 years only to realize that she still retains the ability to make us feel like her trite little devotee without effort. Sabrina has what we believe Shakespeare referred to as “a daily beauty in her life which makes me/everyone else ugly”, add to that a will of dragon hide and a confidence in both her presence and person that we deplorably lack, which ironically made the Marriage-Meat-Market quest a much less scary enterprise because the horde of potential admirers generally surrounded her and we could comfortably fade into our “ooh let’s look at the weird things weird people do in socially contrived corners” mode, a default setting we are definately more comfortable with.
Besides our unsuccessful dips into finding a disappointing drop in the afore-mentioned Market stock (not our own mind you, we never put it up there, and justify our cowardice by maintaining that we find all such business venture capitals a demeaning exercise) but the general produce this year has been abysmal. No oomph in personality, appearance or literal stock either for that matter... a total bust!
Besides our unsuccessful dips into finding a disappointing drop in the afore-mentioned Market stock (not our own mind you, we never put it up there, and justify our cowardice by maintaining that we find all such business venture capitals a demeaning exercise) but the general produce this year has been abysmal. No oomph in personality, appearance or literal stock either for that matter... a total bust!
We must, however admit that we have learnt quite a few lessons that need to be documented for reiteration and reception on a regular basis. All of these lessons were inspired, coerced or shoved down our throat by Sabrina, and we are told that we NEED to perfect them if we are EVER to have some semblance of ‘…a life’.
1. Quit 'Carbs' in all forms and suck in Maria's stomach with a frequency that will convince the latter to do this on its own….eventually.
1. Quit 'Carbs' in all forms and suck in Maria's stomach with a frequency that will convince the latter to do this on its own….eventually.
2. Learn to enunciate, verbalize and communicate in element and spirit the word ‘N-O’.
3. Adapt a life-route/ine that appeals to Maria and align all selves to overlook the ‘issues’ of other people and focus on those that pertain solely to Maria's preferences without giving unnecessary credence to others.
4. Acquire, practice and eventually perfect the art of flirtation. Baby steps, and her current level of inadequacy at the following requires that Maria begin this exercise by learning to establish and maintain eye-contact without blushing or sputtering nonsense in the company of the most dreaded opposite sex of attractive proportions (blissfully a small percentage).
5. Define a life-path and not let ANYONE tell Maria what to do (yes we realize the scaly nature of this one).
6. Pen down all ideas and creative concepts that occur to self and market the following, with a nuance of confidence and sense of pride in their merit.
7. Repeat to oerselves in-front of mirror daily “Maria is beautiful, talented and fabulous and anyone who disagrees doesn’t exist.” In all seriousness…and Mean it.
Hurricane Sabrina hit Lahore, with full force on July 23, 2007, 1:00 am, in its wake it confronted societal pressures with a self-satisfied, confident and jovial air that stumped conservatives, flattered and intimidated liberals and obliterated hypocrites, it departed on August 15, 2007, 5:00 am and one hopes that Lahore will never be the same.
