I now notice, how subtle the influence of genes is, how much weight they truly weild. No matter how much I try to hide from it, it haunts and plagues me. The tinesiest splinters of you, that I still carry. I often stop to ask myself why it embarasses me so much, all shreds of you in my person, but it does and so I do what I always do, I hide from myself. In a book, in a movie, in music...all back benches that you think are beneath me.
I downloaded a classic blues and gospel playlist yesterday put it on random play in the background and started cleaning, to clear my head. On comes Hank Williams with 'Jambalayo' and I stop, mid-dusting, sit down and burst into tears for the longest I have done in four years.
To think about it, I think it was a long time coming, my admission that I miss you, dad. That I need to cry, and not always smile inanely.
The irony is, its a funny song, silly really. But its the only thing that I have ever seen 'you' smile with - silly songs, country gospel, camping and horse riding were the only grey hues to your 'otherwise' black. It hurts more somehow to admit that you are human, and that you have good in you, that I could not bring out more. Perhaps if I HAD stuck it out, I could have. But everyone tells me that 'people dont change' and I have begun to believe them.
I dont know what has come over me, today I find myself walking through me. Passing through the hours, without any sense of consciousness or consienciousness. I feel as if 4 years of making a new 'me', considered worthwile by most, is collapsing. I feel shades and hues overlapping, and I see in myself the same maria of 4 years ago. I wore black today.
I never wear black.
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