Looming Chasm

It has proven quite indefinable this recent struggle cropping out moralistic nuances: “to believe or not to believe” ironically this quest is anything but superficially pervasive as most believe it to be, it is in fact imminent for my eventually being scribed as an individual.

In a day and age of “atheism” and agnosticism, what is the rational minds “logical” pirouette to spirituality, pray tell? For those of us who long to believe in some manner of a higher altercating, “All powerful” entity where is the ability to question?
Have we left it behind in the dungeon where our proverbial curiosity now lies? Dead and buried six feet under carpeted frenetically behind layers of subtext and subconscious meanderings or have we simply forgotten it ever existed, that divine spark of wonder, which we now side-step, tiptoe, revel round…avoid on every front save head on.
What am I left with? My generation, and my age where do our answers lie, in the quest or in the silent acceptance of “age-old” acronyms, which we bluntly accept in lieu of the truth. Despite all crusader quests I have often found myself questioning whether it might just be so much simpler to put all the questions to rest and walk the banal broken road of customary tradition.
The trouble is it has proven impossible to do, how does one not ask the question that already exists? More to the point, how does one get an answer to a question, which has yet to be given voice to? See my consternation….this ephemeral “merry go round” of fate, seems all I have left to believe in.
Often I have tried to give a category to my catechism of altercating opinions regarding the divine, and have failed miserably, and between all the “theisms” that exist today I have found my views floundering, there are things I love about many modern and ancient traditions, and similarly there are things I hate in equal measure.
It isn’t the first time someone has asked me….“So who are you, then?”

“Atheist?” Nope. I definitely give way for divine supremacy or is it simply a yearning to believe in the fantastic, the un-ordinary, the intermittently ineffable?

“Agnostic?” Yes, No Maybe…Perhaps. The profundity of never knowing and admitting it. Still deliberating.
“Buddhist?” nope, with the perpetual waning of “theisms”, no help from above, struggle solitary struggle.
“Zen?” Nope. Proverbial “peace be upon you all”…wholly unrealistic realism.
“Hindu?” Nope. Grandiose glamour, crocheted colours and beauteous befuddlement.
“Kabbalist?” Nope. Cosmological , megalomaniac with a fetish for sacred cults
“Wiccan?” Nope. Tree-hugging, fire walking, frit, ardently adapting to non-existent nature.
“Communist?” Nope. Cynical sage of absent allegiances.
“Mystic?” Flower child freak barring any besotted logic. Perhaps.

The voice in my mind pushes me to pick one and so be done with it!
Pick a side!
Pick an “ism”!
Pick an “ist”!
Just do it. Let it be written, let it be done.
Yet I altercate, I deliberate, I relocate.
Anything to avoid making a choice.
Making “the” choice
The choice defining the “who” and the “what”.