Paging Prince Charming: *Ting*

I have been pondering over past memories with more determination than usual. Recently, finding myself sorting through scores of old photographs and journals I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I have always been a tad melodramatic. Here is something I wrote on January 12, 1994 “…I think I am being very emotional about all this. That's what they all say… that I am too emotional and dramatic. I am obsessed with beating her at her own game. And obsession isn't even an emotion. Is it?”
I was eleven then.

Apparently the 'obsession' grew over the years, because I remember, quite vividly, writing long, rambling letters about everything and nothing to no one in particular. I would sharpen up a fresh pencil every time, scrawl in the letters at night in my room, put them in one of those cheesy stationary set envelopes with Beauty and the Beast or Little Mermaid logo’s, seal them and bury them in the closure outside our house near the swings and badminton court the next day. I think I was passively inspired by all the 'Little Girl Lost' rescues that television had cemented in my mind actually happened.
I also remember discussing my behaviour quite candidly with my child psychiatrist and I would always close the conversation with a question “Do you think I’m normal?” He always used to say that he would think the behaviour abnormal if I tried to conceal it, but since I didn't he was just intrigued. I do not think he knew that I was a rather manipulative eight-year old and that I needed too badly to be perceived as mysterious and slightly tragic, but enchanting all the same. If he was privy to this information, he was very kind in concealing it from me.

My recent focus has been on all the “I have a dream” entries, it is a tad disconcerting to realise that one’s dreams can remain quite consistent over the years. I am pretty much still the seven-year old, except that I use bigger words now in lieu of outright fabrication.
A recent conversation with mommy dearest has prompted a new ditch attempt…

“Do you even know what it is you want?”

“As in from life?

“No in a life partner.”

“Sheesh, this again. You know just because your manipulation tactic is cuter than Nano’s doesn’t make it original.”

“Seriously, you have lists for everything else, your book collection, your “what I need to see or do in my lifetime” thing, your music…this one could actually help me out a bit.”

“But this list would just be…”

“Pathetic?”

“But much.”

“Your point is?”

“Ouch! Right, pathetic it is.”

“Ooh lets do it together!”

“Why not, we’re already part and parcel of the cosmic Ya-Ya sisterhood. You want to burn it afterwards and dance around a fire mom?”

“Couldn’t hurt.”

“I hate the fact one of me actually shrugged her shoulders at that.”

“Kiddo all of you, should be in on this…”

As some would know, my earliest Prince Charming personal Ad, consisted of a naïve request of the Powers that Could Be, for a betrothal to Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. I was seven and my reasons were that the man had the good sense not to wear tights in public, loved adventure because he was a sailor, travelled the world and had a dog. When talking of essentials pretty much all of the above still apply, but I am told I need to be more specific about criteria so as not to be bamboozled by a gap toothed sailor who keeps a pet rat and cleans a fish boat for a living… and so Mom and I set about making me a Personal Ad.
A ‘normal’ person might find this process humiliating, derogatory and self-diminishing…I felt all this, but it was trumped by the sheer ridiculousness of the attempt. Frivolity always seems to win out over anything else in my book. I acknowledge that this may not necessarily be a good thing.
… Okay it may even be a bad thing, but at the end of the day the cavalier tend to die smiling and wondering what the hell the big deal is…a lot like the Fool in the Tarot deck.
I kind of like that.

“Do I start with something like 'Loner, utopist, child of 24 years seeks devil-may care globetrotter with a passion for coke, card games and obscene amounts of time whiled away in front of a television screen?'”

“Please tell me you want something a tad more productive?”

“Okay…who also enjoys large quantities of take out food, doing the voices for old black and white films with the sound turned off and thrift store shopping?”

“What in there is remotely productive?”

“… has some semblance of a job…”

“That’s it?! Some 'semblance' of a job?”

“…that allows him to buy stuff, appreciate art and the outdoors and purchase airline tickets to places I want to go. Better?”

“Not really, but an improvement. Some variety of a roof over your head might be a nice touch…”

“Buy stuff, tickets and a roof over my head, with running water and room for a dog.”

“Okay, what about brains…”

“Oh yeah, like that one ever comes easy. Okay no specifics, then someone who’s brain is multidimensional enough to carry on both coherent and incoherent forms of conversation for as long as we both shall live…”

“Elaborate”

“Okay, well… coherent would be something like ‘do you think God really meant for us to believe in Him if he really is All That?”…a perceptible shift into my version would be… ‘to me Theology is taking on a lot of Star Wars significance…I mean all that stuff about being with the force and the force not being with you. I mean its like Yoda is God always feeding us some trite feel good shit, which sounds weird enough to be smart, but is basically one-dimensional fact strung together backwards and why is it that the force not being with you has to make you Vader or Maul or plain evil? What happened to purgatory…and think about it purgatory makes no sense anyway, I mean basically its just another waiting room, I thought life was supposed to be the waiting room…”

“And this is required reading?”

“No, it would just be preferable if this conversation could be easily understood by the subject.”

“Do you understand it?”

“No, but that’s not the point, I don’t really mean understand just umm that he should have a follow up analogy that should be equally -or if he is perfect- more inane. Like a Douglas Adams Fan or an Arlo Guthrie fan, they would get what I mean.”

“Right. So what about looks?”

“I never can specify that one. My three main on-screen obsessions have been with too diverse a range: I mean there’s Yul Brynner who was bald, Johnny Depp who is perfect and Rex Harrison who was sarcastic, old and dead. I don’t like to think I’m looking for Bald, Perfect, Sarcastic, Old and Dead.”

“Neither do I”

“Okay then…teeth.”

“What?”

“Clean teeth. Can’t be with a guy who doesn’t have straight, clean teeth. Smokers are out.”

“That’s it…clean teeth. What about height, face blah blah blah, how in the Hell are you my daughter?!”

“Okay then, Good skin. Hygiene is important but so is a counter-balance untidiness.”

“And that means?”

“Well it means nada on the body odour and stuff, but nada on the neat, pressed and prim look too…”

“So you need to spread the ‘gypsy’ around?”

“I wouldn’t mind. Not really though, I couldn’t care…except that prim and proper anything just isn’t big on my priority lists and if it is on someone else’s I don’t think it would mesh well.”

“Fine then, how about a list of ‘MUSTS’.”

“Huh? I thought we were doing well so far…it’s the little details that count…and…”

“I just think this might speed up the process…”

“Okay. Must be able to make me laugh; Must be willing to act like a fool in public in order to accomplish the first; Must speak most of my languages, and be fluent in Hyper, Hoop La, Bah humbug and But Vy; Must not preach...anything; Must love coke; travel; trying new, crazy, childish things all the time; jumping out of planes, off bridges and stuff; Must be impulsive in hopes of drawing out my inner crab; Must appreciate that I need to mark my immediate territory – whatever it may be- with post-its of quotes, weird trinkets and lots of colour; Must love art, rain, junk food, talking nonsense and occasional sense, Star wars, Indiana Jones and animated films; Must tolerate the fact that I purchase scented toiletries, key chains, shoes and books in unreasonable quantities; Must appreciate the nutritional value of a midnight snack; Must understand the importance of collecting silly photographs, scrap booking and road trips; Must recognise the value of time outs and my pathological need to be alone for at least a few hours a day; Must not be Judgmental; Must appreciate the necessity that Coke, candy and cartoons are in my life regardless of my age; Must understand that I have issues and have some of his own to bring to the negotiating table; These issues Must Not include anger issues, bullying tendencies or “Oh look at me I’m a Man” issues; Must be able to enjoy movie marathons, play board games and take all of my pre and post rain and birthday rituals seriously; Must appreciate the importance of small, silly and inexpensive gifts; Must need to Want to be Happy as often as possible; Must not sweat the small stuff; Musts not wear labels or buy into them; Must know that I need to be dragged along into almost anything but enjoy it once I’ve taken my step; Must be a Master of the 'last minute plan'; Must think.”

"Must make me go - and this is to quote Asma- "*Ting!*"

"What?!"

" Ting! There has to be a *Ting*!"

"A *Ting*?"

"Like with Elizabeth and Darcy or Ariel and Eric or Holly Golightly...a *Ting* is non-negotiable."

“And the rest of these are negotiable?”

"If i find the * Ting*, maybe."

"So its the *Ting* or the List?"

"Pretty much. Mom do 'you' think I'm crazy?"

“Yep but its hereditary and I think I’ve changed my mind.”

“About the Personal Ad?”

“Nope about doing something about it.”

Join the club.