"Man wants concord but nature knows better what is good for his kind; nature wants discord" - Kant
I cant quite put my finger on it.
Somewhere along the line I find myself wondering more about the 'what the fucks' of it all instead of the usual 'why's'. I no longer comprehend what it is I am trying to do anymore. I call myself a writer, but I don't know what I am writing about...abstract nothings and everythings that have a hard time ending up as something. I look at my book sitting in its KB file and I can't seem to write it, even though I wrote it when I was seven. I wish I could be half as candid, honest and sincere as I was back then.
I think about my 'career' and I have no idea what on earth I want, but the past month has me convinced that this ain't it. I may be naive and idealistic but I happen to like me that way.
"What is that job called ...you know the one in which you're committed to the work, but the work isn't really that because its a goal. Where you get to change things, write, read, produce, direct and just 'work' on something that bloody well means something...anything?"
"Dreaming?"
"Yep, that's what I want to do".
"Good luck making money out of that."
Zing!
I'm beginning to think that the real culprit behind this lambent morbidity is Philosophy or my recent reading of it. Curse my need to try/pretend/make believe/act/contrive...try to be/appear/be considered...be smart and pick up these bloody bastards who get to me more than any of the rest ever did. I liked religion, it was easy to deny, easy to refute and practically fell all over itself when confronted with questions or logic. Philosophy doesn't do that, it forces my mind to loop itself into oblivion and I still end up asking the same question. Which,I admit, is practically an aphrodisiac. Then again, I hear myself ask some of these questions and the people who have heard of them - both the philosophers and the questions- immediately launch into a long winded debate on the merits and demerits of Post-Modernism vs Realism.
I just asked if you believed in magic dude!
Then again, many would say that someone who still considers Peter Pan the epitome of all wisdom, has little business reading Kant.
I just hope that's not why I'm reading him.
There is nothing worse than a perpetual reactionary.
Somewhere along the line I find myself wondering more about the 'what the fucks' of it all instead of the usual 'why's'. I no longer comprehend what it is I am trying to do anymore. I call myself a writer, but I don't know what I am writing about...abstract nothings and everythings that have a hard time ending up as something. I look at my book sitting in its KB file and I can't seem to write it, even though I wrote it when I was seven. I wish I could be half as candid, honest and sincere as I was back then.
I think about my 'career' and I have no idea what on earth I want, but the past month has me convinced that this ain't it. I may be naive and idealistic but I happen to like me that way.
"What is that job called ...you know the one in which you're committed to the work, but the work isn't really that because its a goal. Where you get to change things, write, read, produce, direct and just 'work' on something that bloody well means something...anything?"
"Dreaming?"
"Yep, that's what I want to do".
"Good luck making money out of that."
Zing!
I'm beginning to think that the real culprit behind this lambent morbidity is Philosophy or my recent reading of it. Curse my need to try/pretend/make believe/act/contrive...try to be/appear/be considered...be smart and pick up these bloody bastards who get to me more than any of the rest ever did. I liked religion, it was easy to deny, easy to refute and practically fell all over itself when confronted with questions or logic. Philosophy doesn't do that, it forces my mind to loop itself into oblivion and I still end up asking the same question. Which,I admit, is practically an aphrodisiac. Then again, I hear myself ask some of these questions and the people who have heard of them - both the philosophers and the questions- immediately launch into a long winded debate on the merits and demerits of Post-Modernism vs Realism.
I just asked if you believed in magic dude!
Then again, many would say that someone who still considers Peter Pan the epitome of all wisdom, has little business reading Kant.
I just hope that's not why I'm reading him.
There is nothing worse than a perpetual reactionary.
Hmm, you may instead take on a rational and simplistic and/or holistic approach to everything.
ReplyDeleteWith, the conclusion still being appropriately and annoyingly inconclusive.
Like on love : "There is nothing unusual with that. She is an ordinary healthy girl, I am an ordinary healthy boy, and when you add them together you get an ordinary healthy romance. Sure, its the old story, but somehow the most wonderful thing in the world."
There, simple. Return to agonizing aunts with your religion bashing. :)
I desperately wish I could, but I am notoriously bad with anything 'rational' or, for that matter, 'simple'. I dont think I could bear not experiencing a thrill when the chance comes along, considering I manage to make a career out of dreaming about it.
ReplyDeleteto restart the ghordoping
ReplyDeletefor lack of compass, lets be topical -
careers
rat place - where they run the rat race
apbribal - the only real purpose of an appraisal
filterview - interview by, for and from the numbers
the book of Job - what most people think they are writing
(rusty I know, but what to do - the rains just started here)