Cheers!

I cannot believe I feel this alone. I don't know how to cope with it. I dont know how to talk about it and I most certainly dont know what to do with it.
Giving up on dreams is hard. Really, really hard. Hard and harrowing in a way I couldn't have foreseen. It tints everyday in grey hues and for someone used to seeing technicolour - even if its a psychedelic, self-induced, pseudo-acid flashback technicolour - greys are a downer.
What is it in my system that prevents me from busting my ass and just giving something, someone...anything, anyone... my all for one last chance to escape this place? A chance to escape the stillness and the rut.

Its guilt isnt it?

Yep, thats what it is...its guilt. Its guilt in a glass, money in a pill and masochism in a gulp. I don't deserve a break, which is why I wont get one. So here's to a job I dont really want, a life I didnt really choose and compromises which - apparently- we all need to make sometime.
Heres to the real world.

Bah humbug.
And for real this time.